That one word sums up my state of mind quite nicely. The days are blurring together, and not for good reasons. Trying to study is like trying to write a novel on a single sheet of rubber: you keep trying to stretch it out so you’ll have more room to write, but it keeps snapping back and knocking the pen out of your hand… I have no idea where I’m going with that metaphor.
It’s affecting my soul. I’m quite the creative, articulate little bitch, but lately it has been faded. The looming doom hasn’t really stressed me out or whipped my work ethic into shape, it’s just kind of made me numb. Maybe that’s just how I cope with stress. My knee-jerk reaction to the “Why are you watching cult films instead of studying!?” question has always been “ahh, I’ll study the night before, it’ll be grand.” Y’know, it’s in a joking, mocking tone when I say it out loud, but I think it’s what I believe internally, too.
See, I’m perfectly smart. There are people who are way smarter, and people who are way stupider. I’m right on the slightly-above-average mark. But here’s the thing: intelligence has a tendency to be inversely proportional to the ability to utilise intelligence. I’m smart enough to hold my own, but I’m also grounded enough in reality to pick my battles carefully. Life’s too short to waste it toiling away in an effort to be ‘the best’. Why is it that smart people always want to be smarter, rich people always want to be richer, fat people always want more food? (That last one might not fit but I got a funny mental image from it so I’m leaving it in) I’m going to do what I’m going to do. I’ll live life the way I deem to be ‘best’, not what society does. Success: money, fame, nice house, nice car, nice family, a ‘ho for every night of the week — whatever you call it. Who decides? Me. I get to decide what success means to me, so anybody who says I’m ‘failing’ is making an erronous assertion without prior consulting me as to my definition of the term (i.e. they can jump on my dick)
That’s one of the many trains of thought that pass through my head when people ask me about the study. Cheesy and self-righteously delusional, innit? Kinda makes me sound like I have a chip on my shoulder. Maybe part of that is the worry that once we get out of school, we enter the system, where we’ll be swallowed up and turned into unquestioning automatons. Or maybe not. Maybe we just wake up and realise that all our teenage grievances about the system are petty in comparison to the bigger issues we now face as adults. That the system is in place to HELP us live adult lives, not force us to. Then again, isn’t that the kind of reasoning that’s used in cults to subvert people’s willpower? Trust in the Leader and he will cure all your problems? It’s the same reason I don’t trust the bible: it’s too convenient. A Father, always watching over you, perpetually filling people’s desires for parental guidance, even after their parents are dead. It’s a popular belief because it’s what people want to believe.
Guess I wasn’t as blank as I thought. Started this post without even knowing what I was going to write about. Was really blanking on subject matter. Turned out a little more preachy and far-left-wing than my usual posts are, but I warned you that could happen…