How to avoid the reality of Exams

I was recently bored (nothing new there) and decided to leaf through a study skills pamphlet that somebody had given to me in a kind-hearted sort of way, which I pretended to appreciate.
(Please note: I do not want any more Leaving Cert supplements left around my desk. Stop it!)

Anyway, I opened it up and got bombarded by an excellent title: “Exams Kill or Exam Skill?” Unfortunately, this is where the magical journey of exam skill enlightenment ended for me. It just all seemed a little clichéd, a little…. “meh”. Immediately, I decided that exams are vicious and murderous things which shouldn’t be mastered, but avoided. And denied.

I’m a repeat student, so I know all about denying the reality of the Leaving Cert, and avoiding study.
Like, for example, the fact that I keep telling myself that it’s only February. Plenty of time left.
I mean, deep down I know that this is foolish and I can’t help but feel that I’m “repeating the mistakes of last year”, but it’s a lot easier to pretend I don’t have to go through all this torture than actually prepare myself properly for it.
Ah, sweet sweet denial.

So anyway, here’s my guide to avoiding exam reality. If you’re on this site in the first place you’re possibly looking for some sort of motivation to study, but since everyone else sitting the Leaving Cert this year is my competition, I’d very much so like to drag the rest of you down with me. Come live on the edge like me! It’s simple, this rebellious dossing business, just follow these 5 simple steps:

1. Spend as much time as is humanly possible online.
 The internet. Don’t you just love it? Such an excellent and educational resource. It’s also wicked fun for dossing. Trust me on this one… there’s the social networking sites, there’s msn, there’s rather a number of great forums which are totally irrelevant to real life, there’s JENNIE’S LEAVING CERT BLOG, there’s various other blogs which are also great, although obviously nothing could ever surpass the greatness of Jennie’s blog, there’s youtube in general. There’s everything. If you find it difficult to waste several hours online at a time then just leave me a comment, I’ll lead you in the (wrong) right direction. Avoid those Leaving Cert related sites, mind. That could possibly be misconstrued as learning, and we don’t want that.

2. Start drinking more tea.
Don’t like copious amounts of tea? Well, that’s got to change. Personally, I’ve become a tea addict in recent times and I think all of you should join me. There’s just nothing better than watching that kettle boil and pouring that steaming water into a nice cup containing a glorious (Lyon’s) tea bag. Ah, heaven. Now, I’m a fan of black tea myself (It’s nicer, so shut up… I shan’t be ridiculed!) but that’s completely beside the point. Tea breaks are a necessity when studying. Personally, I like to make some tea and bring it down to my room so I can sip on it whilst studying. And as soon as the cup is empty it’s time to make a new one. Remember that, it means you get about 10 minutes of study in before a 5 minute break.

3. Change to Meteor.
First of all, I’d like to point out that I am in no way affiliated with Meteor. Secondly, I’d like to advise you all to switch your phone networks at once- Meteor’s the only way to go if you want to waste lots of time but not lots of money. Free calls and texts to other meteor customers or free texts to everyone? Ah, it’s too perfect. I only switched a while back and since then I’ve had my phone glued to my hand. I can’t emphasise the importance of keeping up your correspondence. Whether it’s people you see everyday or people you see once a month, they should know how you’re getting on at all times.

4. Pave the way for college life: Go Drinking.
Go on, it’ll only kill off a few of the weaker brain cells. I can’t remember the last weekend I didn’t go out, and there’s nothing better than a hangover on a Sunday morning. You can’t study with a hangover! It’s foolproof! Like, even if you wanted to… you just couldn’t. So don’t underestimate the importance of Jagerbombs for Leaving Cert students.

5. Exercise, but only in a non-traditional manner.
Y’know the way everyone says that you should keep on your hobbies during 6th year? Well, quite frankly, I just don’t think there’s time. What with all that time dedicated to dossing around online and drinking lots of alcohol, you’re not going to be able to fit in football training sessions or the likes. Plus, then you’d be really developing as a person, working as a team and stuff. There’s no “I” in team, and if I’m not there then what’s the point? The world revolves around me, contrary to popular belief. No, what you want is a bit of working out in the gym wearing t-shirts to the effect of “Nobody knows I’m a Lesbian”, which make people look at you strangely while you’re sweating away to the beat of your iPod, which is fun. Gym- Good. Teamwork- Bad. Also, I’ve become quite partial to late night strolls. Have you ever just been sitting there attempting to study when you’ve felt like jogging away? Well, I have. Like, when the choice between studying and running/ walking/ hopping arises, pick the latter for God’s sake. Last night I decided to go walk around my garden for 30 minutes. Yes, just walking in a little circle, alone, in the dark. It was quite cold also, but what of it. The alternative was a trigonometry question I was trying to avoid.

So there you have it, you can all join me in my downward spiral which will undoubtedly culminate in me doing some sort of basket-weaving/ jam-making/ bread-making course in a buzzing place like Arklow or Leitrim next year. Come on, it’ll be fun.
Remember: Exam Skill isn’t needed, because exams kill. They really do. Just pretend they’re not happening and you’ll be fine.
I’ve my HPAT exams (Those medicine aptitude yokes for anyone who’s “huh?”ing) on Saturday. My whole future depends on them, basically. I know this, deep deep down, but I’m remaining calm. And my Mocks. Those. Sure, they’re just around the corner too. Ah God.
I’ll let you know how that whole thing goes for me.
For now though, I’m off to make myself some tea. I might even go all out and have a biscuit too, I’m just THAT out of control/ rebellious/ daring.

Disclaimer: To maximise points in the Leaving Cert, do not heed any of my aforementioned advice. Please note, however, that any self praise remains valid.