Simmering Rage. It’s all I feel these days.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling almost nothing but angst, frustration, annoyance, resentment and vehemence as the dreaded Leaving Cert draws ever closer.
I can’t quite explain why I feel so very tumultuous and irascible, I’m usually not quite this ill-tempered and downright crabby, but the feeling’s starting to take over my very being.
It’s wholly difficult to even try to shake it off for brief spells, even when that little voice inside my head’s telling me to be polite and tolerable. It follows me everywhere.
Everything’s starting to blur into one big Leaving Cert-related nightmarish haze, and, I guess, anger’s a much simpler emotion to deal with than fear. Or study guilt. God I hate fear and guilt. Idiotic emotions which really ought to be beaten with a large stick.
The exams start in less than 3 weeks. That’s like, 20 days away. It’s so close, words are actually beginning to flounder a little- something I’m not quite used to!
I loathe my life right now. Abhor it. Detest it.
Why me? Why do I have to sit these stupid exams again? My confidence was pretty shattered last August when I didn’t manage to get the results I needed for Medicine, so going through it again is starting to really antagonize me. No matter what I do, I can’t shake off the feeling that I blew my chances last year. So, yes, there’s a little bit of self-disgust thrown into the mix, but it’s still fairly overshadowed with the burning rage and anger.
My intense hatred and annoyance is evident in pretty much every scenario.
There’s the ones you’d expect- Screaming bloody mercy at my parents when they tell me to study, crumpling up notes when I can’t grasp a concept fully and flinging them in every direction, throwing assorted stationary and books at anyone who comes within a five metre radius of me, storming out of rooms, slamming doors, retorting with nothing but sarcasm and malice when anyone talks to me about pretty much everything and, of course, throwing the meanest of dirty looks at anyone who so much as glances in my direction.
As if all that wasn’t quite enough, there’s even more worrying trends starting to settle in.
The other day, for example, in a certain class, I envisaged nothing short of murder.
One incompetent teacher who’s failed to do his job throughout the year has finally worn my patience down to such a tiny nub that I almost cracked. I just wanted to stand up in front of my peers and, rather impolitely, ask him to go suck a lemon (Or some alternation of that at least). I’d have had no qualms smashing a large, heavy object of his tiny skull during that moment of heated rage.
Luckily, I’ve still got splashes of self control dabbled here and there, and wouldn’t have liked to taint my quiet, polite image so late into the year. My lips remained pursed, but I’m sure my face reddened to a pretty great extent. There wasn’t really any particular reason- just a year of terrible teaching climaxing. I’m refusing to venture near any more of his classes- that’s it, I’m done. I’d get more done studying alone. In fact, sitting in a corner humming away to myself would probably be more productive and beneficial than steaming away in a classroom, fantasising the elaborate death of an incompetent fool.
Also, in school recently, I nearly had a nervous breakdown and went all Karate-Kid on a group of pretty innocent 6th years for, eh, saying my name. Oh, how I wish I was exaggerating.
One of the many downsides to being a female in an all-boy’s school is that you tend to stick out a bit, you tend to attract a bit of attention. Ergo, chanting “Jennayyyyyyyyyyyyy” at me whenever I pass by was bound to happen sooner or later. Just like the impending slap someone’s going to get if they don’t shut up, THANKS. I’m not even joking- just the foolish idiots I’ve never talked to knowing my name and making use of it has irked me to a massive extent.
This very evening, the school’s award ceremony heralded great results for me. Finally, I got a bit of recognition for the fact that I’m actually a total nerd- something which my old school didn’t really seem to give a toss about. They were all about non-academic stuff like “sport” or “music”- what the hell are they? Tonight, I, JennieSwotFace, was given the honour of being awarded, eh, cheap plaques, for my outstanding academic ability in the fields of Maths, Irish and French. Suck on that everyone else.
Should I be delighted, falling all over the place in utter spasms of happiness? Probably.
But, instead, I’m horrified. Three certificates for my greatness- three misspellings of my name. Who on earth is “Jenny”? Idiots! And, more importantly, where was my English award? Damn it, I know I’m good. I’ve only gotten A’s all year (and last year!), unlike most other plebs. Thanks there English teacher- you were lying STRAIGHT TO MY FACE when you told me my Personal Essays about Idealism and the likes were super-amazing.
Not even is all my red-hot, smoking venom directly Leaving Cert or school related like this.
I got really angry on Tuesday with the weather. What an absolute OAF for deciding to just get deliciously hot and beautiful when we shouldn’t be outside. Shaking my fist at the sky and firing expletives here there and everywhere was my only option.
I started ranting at the television a little earlier too, for not having anything good on. We seem to pay Sky for nothing- it’s just the SAME episodes of Friends, Scrubs, Two & a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond being played over and over and OVER again. WHAT DOES IT EXPECT FROM ME? TO LEAVE? TO GO STUDY? IS THAT IT? Ridiculous, useless, over-hyped: All words which sum up “Sky”. Sack of fools.
And, the final dodgy anecdote for this evening- My parents weren’t around last night and I was left to fend for and fodder myself when I got home. I screamed at just about everything in the kitchen. I ended up firing my (rather traumatic) dinner in the bin for being too tasteless and bland. I could’ve added salt, but it was much more enjoyable to make a scene, even if I was alone. The cereal I had instead tasted much better that way.
On top of all of this aforementioned anger though, there’s some sort of relief. Not only do I get quite the fix from being an angry psychopath most of the time, but I also know that this feeling’s linked with the Leaving Cert which is coming and will be, ultimately, going. YES! I knew the rage and angst was going to surface soon- I just bleedin’ knew it.
Roll on the Summer! Quick, before I explode…