First of all, pardon me for the ridiculous amount of time that has gone by without any posts from me. The mocks came, which kept me studying. Or, at least, THINKING of studying. Yes, I know, I should’ve been studying, but the willpower seems to have left me. The results came back, and they were nothing short of appalling. In total, I got 385 points. I don’t know which is worse. That I got such a small amount of points, or that I was one of the best in the year (and the best in most of the subjects).
Since my last post, a lot has changed in my life. I was offered the chance to become a part owner of a very successful IT business in the UK, with which I’ve been working for the past few years. Since owning and running a successful business has always been my dream, and I had been working with them for so long, I seriously considered accepting the offer. Joining a group of people who were already working together in a successful business would give me a head start in my dream of making a difference in the world.
I discussed the issue with my family, with my friends, and with the career guidance counselor. I would defer my entry to college for a year, and if it didn’t work out, I’d go to college. Simple as that, and no one seemed to have anything to say against it. On one hand, I wanted to go to college, and spend years learning everything about what I love the most in my life, with colleagues who would share the same passion as me. On the other hand, the possibility of getting my dream started right now lingered in my head, tempting me.
I’m still pondering. I’ve got until the leaving cert to make a choice, so I can afford to think it through very well. I also seem to have been distracting myself from the leaving cert more and more. That feeling of “It’s okay, I don’t need any more points.“ is stuck in my head, and it kept making me want to focus on other things that until now I haven’t focused as much even though I wanted to, as well as things that I love doing, such as developing great websites or reading incredible books that can make me forget about everything around me for hours and hours on end. It seems that I am doomed to go through the Leaving Cert without really caring about it. The Computer Science degree has a ridiculously low point requirement, which means I can sit back and not even touch a book, and I’ll still get more than enough points to get a place.
But I know I shouldn’t lay back. And it was only today, when my Accounting teacher told me that she and all the other teachers were expecting me to get an extremely high amount of points, and that they believed that I would be the best in the year, that I started realizing it. I know I should work hard and “achieve my true potential”, but the fact is that I am too distracted by other things that I consider far more pressing (especially my work), to CARE. Most people around me are struggling to get the points they need. Others just want high points to keep their options open, because they don’t know what they want yet. I’m the one who doesn’t have to struggle and can just sit back. And the truth is, I see no reason not to. And that scares me, because I have the feeling that when I get my results back, I’m going to feel more disappointed in myself than I’ve ever been before in my life. If I carry on this way, I won’t be able to get my results, and shout “YES! I AM THE BEST STUDENT OF THE YEAR. I BEAT EVERYONE ELSE.”. I won’t be able to feel that sense of over-achievement that always makes me so happy. I’ll have to say “I got 400 and so points.” And to the rest of the world, I will just be another average student. And the temptation to say “I could’ve gotten higher, blah blah” will be there. But I will know that saying such a thing would be pathetic. And it doesn’t matter what I COULD HAVE DONE. What matters, is what I have done.
For now, I’m going to keep on studying after school with a couple of my friends, as we’ve been doing lately, and focusing in school. Other than that, I probably won’t do much else. For now. I might change my mind later, but for now, I’m relaxing. Maybe I shouldn’t. Flame me for doing so in the comments, then. It’ll be good to see that I’m wrong, and FEEL that I’m wrong.
From what I’ve seen from the posts here, people seem to have been having a whole different experience than me. Especially Valerie, having nightmares about chewing gums in a French oral, and Annah, dreaming of going to Chemistry without a calculator! 😛 I wonder, am I alone here? Am I the only one who’s having huge motivational issues for the Leaving Cert and can’t seem to get scared about it and just study his rear end off?