Just in case you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, we feel it’s our duty to remind you that there are now exactly 21 days until doomsday… what can you expect on day one? Here’s what…
3 weeks from now
This time 3 weeks from now, you’ll all be in the middle of an English exam. You’ll already have gotten the paper (front side up), opened it and probably started reading. Those of you privileged enough to have pens will be able to start writing.
Point & Laugh at late guy
Then there’ll always be someone who comes in late. Slept in or missed the bus. Depending on what type of school you’re in, he’ll (yes HE’LL) be greeted with a series of undercover ‘tuts’ which will help lighten the mood slightly but then you’ll begin toÂ realizeÂ this isn’t a regular exam, it’s actually important and stuff.
photo credit: Christophe Verdier
The examiners will start their ‘shuffling around, trying to look busy and important’ routine which they’ve been training for intensively for the past few months.
It involves talking to one another whilst looking down at sheets to fool you in to thinking they’re talking about something important. Eventually they’ll sit down or else start pacing up and down, showing you who’s the sheriff of the aisles in sector B2.
You are not worthy
Just when you’re beginning to settle down in to the exam, some overpaid ‘assistant’ from a couple of years below you will come in with a tray, loaded with a pot of tea, a cup, a selection of luxury biscuits, caviar and pots of sugar and milk. Don’t look up, you’ll hear the rattling and footsteps – now you know what that’s all about.
This is a traditional act of worship which takes place in each exam. It’s a process which involves showering supervisors with gifts to show them appreciation & adoration, on your behalf. This is where your exam fees go. To pay the wages of the assistant carrying the tray and to fund the biscuits, tea, caviar etc… which are all made in house, by aÂ MichelinÂ star chef hired in specifically for these exams.
You’ve been told not to leave early, ever. You’ve been told there will be punishment for those that leave early. Your teacher will try to lock the doors from the outside so you can’t escape. Yet once the hour is up, there will be a massÂ exodusÂ from the hall… the doors won’t hold.
These are the Fails or D3’s. Don’t be alarmed, the A1’ers will still be there, so if they stay on, just copy them and stay on too. It’s the closest you’ll get to ‘cheating’ in the leaving cert (copying A1 students).
Meet your heroes
If you manage to stay until the final whistle, you might be lucky enough to get the supervisor’s autograph or get a picture taken with them… they’re usually open and welcoming to fans however they might come across as modest so you may have to ask them for autographs and pictures several times…